There's a stir in the the darkness in the lair where it sleeps. It's four inte the morning as it awakens and finds itself watching the girls of the playboy mansion. It takes a few moments bfore it morphes into something with half a conciosusness and there I am. Lying there in that worn down bed at four in the morning. In my opinion it is the worst possible time to wake up. At four you are alone with noone to keep you company but your own mind... and at four in the morning my mind isn't a very nice companion to have.

I turn of the flickering screen, I cannot make sence of what I'm seeing anyway... what's the point of that show? I cannot tell... not sure if it really was the girls of the playboy mansion either but a handful of blondes and that strange rabitlogo makes me think that it could be little else. I lay in darkness atempting to do something I havn't been able to do in a long time; fall asleep without outside assistance... and I fail. Have I become my father? For as long as I can remember he sits in front of the tv every night after working from early morning until nightfall and then he falls asleep lying on that couch, every night. I think I have turned into him. I have never asked if he cannot be kept alone with his mind but I suspect it is the case.

I lay in darkness and the emotions and the memories washes over me.All the things I've tried and failed at. All the things I should have done but didn't... but most of all it is memories of a happier time that I so dearly miss... and I want to scream, howl into the night with the agony that I feel within. There are no do overs in life and I'm not sure I want to do anything over again anyway for were it not for the past the present would not be. Where it not for the misstakes that I've made I wouldn't be who I am... but at four in the morning with the darkness seeping in it simply doesn't matter. So I'll do what I do every night. I'll pop a dvd in the drive and I'll listen to familiar voices and be rocked to sleep by a world that is not my own. Shadows in the darkness... sadness in the night... alone with nothing but memory...